Wednesday, August 26, 2015

I am the Very Model of a Modern Presbyterian (The Family Camp poem)

I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian.
In erudition, I surpass the average seminarian;
I know theology, both redemptive and historical--
My library is organized in order categorical.
I’m very well acquainted too with all the views millennial,
I understand the sequence of the councils ecumenical,
I have profound insights concerning hymnody and psalmody,
With many harsh invectives on that “modern worship” comedy.

I write extensively on apologetics VanTilian,
And would never stoop to sing in a venue vaudevillian,
In Hebrew, Greek, and Latin I’m an expert grammarian –
I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian.

I’m “semper reformanda” in all matters theological,
With a gentle fondness for the classical and pedagogical.
I reserve particular disdain for the dispensational ,
Because it promotes everything emotive and sensational.
In ecclesiology my views are credal and confessional,
Eschewing all those trendy terms like “emergent” and “missional”
I’m sure I never will be accused of being remotely relevant –
Or may I be stomped upon by a rampaging elephant!

I’ve got at least five strong arguments to counter the Arminians,
I can “posse” and “peccare” with the wisest Augustinians.
I know the ins and outs of all the spheres Kuyperian—
I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian!

My views on orthodoxy derive from deep antiquity;
I renounce and calumniate all workers of iniquity;
I spend my time reviewing the Westminster Shorter Catechism
And never would take a part in any sort of fanaticism.
And so I came to Wamic to participate in Family Camp
(A more convivial experience than my final Koine Greek exam!)
I cheered for all the youthful contestants in the Bananathon,
And, to wrap it all up, here I am, singing this silly song.

Our worship has simplicity and also authenticity,
I acknowledge, even so, our undeniable eccentricity,
In short, from all eternity, I am pre-destinarian –
I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian!

August, 2015

(first performance, graciously recited by Dan Dillard, 8-21-15 at the OPC Family Camp talent show, Camp Morrow, Wamic, OR)

Katherine Chapman

1 comment:

Garnet said...

Unconditionally without needing to see the other talent entries, I hereby declare you the winner!