I am the Very Model of a Modern Presbyterian (The Family Camp poem)

I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian.

In erudition, I surpass the average seminarian;

I know theology, both redemptive and historical--

My library is organized in order categorical.

I’m very well acquainted too with all the views millennial,

I understand the sequence of the councils ecumenical,

I have profound insights concerning hymnody and psalmody,

With many harsh invectives on that “modern worship” comedy.

I write extensively on apologetics VanTilian,

And would never stoop to sing in a venue vaudevillian,

In Hebrew, Greek, and Latin I’m an expert grammarian –

I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian.

I’m “semper reformanda” in all matters theological,

With a gentle fondness for the classical and pedagogical.

I reserve particular disdain for the dispensational ,

Because it promotes everything emotive and sensational.

In ecclesiology my views are credal and confessional,

Eschewing all those trendy terms like “emergent” and “missional”

I’m sure I never will be accused of being remotely relevant –

Or may I be stomped upon by a rampaging elephant!

I’ve got at least five strong arguments to counter the Arminians,

I can “posse” and “peccare” with the wisest Augustinians.

I know the ins and outs of all the spheres Kuyperian—

I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian!

My views on orthodoxy derive from deep antiquity;

I renounce and calumniate all workers of iniquity;

I spend my time reviewing the Westminster Shorter Catechism

And never would take a part in any sort of fanaticism.

And so I came to Wamic to participate in Family Camp

(A more convivial experience than my final Koine Greek exam!)

I cheered for all the youthful contestants in the Bananathon,

And, to wrap it all up, here I am, singing this silly song.

Our worship has simplicity and also authenticity,

I acknowledge, even so, our undeniable eccentricity,

In short, from all eternity, I am pre-destinarian –

I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian!

August, 2015

(first performance, graciously recited by Dan Dillard, 8-21-15 at the OPC Family Camp talent show, Camp Morrow, Wamic, OR)

Katherine Chapman